July 27, 2005
All the Seasons
My day is full of little things to do - wash the bottles, fold laundry, mail letters, write in my blog... it's enough to distract me from the imminent incarceration that hangs over my brother's head.
The fullness of my own life demands steady attention, and I cannot spend all my time in consideration over his future. These daily chores and family obligations digest the minutes of my day, and there is little time for lengthy meditation on any subject. This is possibly God's way of buffering me from my own overly analytical mind. I am thankful for the busyness of my life, because others in my family are not so lucky. They must live with the constant reminder because that is their life.
But still, it's always there, in the back of my thoughts. And in a matter of mere minutes, I can find myself in despair and heartache at the reminder of his dwindling hours.
He said to me today, "I'm so tired of everyone's happiness being dependant on me. That's too much pressure."
How do you answer that?
Am I happy? Am I living my life according to what is going on with him? I don't think I am. I definitely try not to. I find great happiness in many things, but I'll admit there is a tint of sadness to everything now. I look at my beautiful children, and rejoice in their presence in my life. And I am saddened that he will not be around to see them grow and change. I am happy that King Pen is almost done with school and will soon pursue a career in something he loves. But I am saddened that it will probably mean living somewhere that will limit visits to the jail Trey will be kept in. I am happy to attend my aunt's wedding and see my children participate as flowergirl and ringbearer... and sad that this is yet another thing my brother won't be a part of.
And I'm scared, too.
Scared for him to be in there with all the bad guys. Scared what it will do to him, how it will change him. I don't want these thoughts in my head, but it's reality. The reality is that he will be on an island with cannibals, and I can't save him. Regardless of how he got to this point, I don't want to see the day come, the day he says goodbye, the day he leaves this world for that one. And in the same breath, I am scared he won't make it to that day. I am scared that his panic while cause him to do something stupid, something that will make things worse. The closer it gets, the more real it becomes, and fear in every form eats at all of us.
I know, I know all the things you will say. I tell them to myself every day. This could be the wake-up call for him. Many people come out of jail to lead happy and changed lives. He could meet some strong Christians inside to help him find his way. He's a big boy, he's strong, and he'll be okay. Sure, it's a long time, but it's not a lifetime. It's not the end.
But the truth is, sometimes those words feel so empty, and what I am filled with is dread at the possibilities. I can only imagine how he feels. And yes, I feel sympathy. It's not blind sympathy, because I know how he got here. I know these are the just consequences of his actions. But being a witness to his struggles, not only with the drugs but with himself, is a horrific experience.
The best way I can describe this feeling is having your heart in shreds. It's like someone reached in my chest and pulled things apart. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm strong. But other times, it's hard. It's impossible. The grief breaks me.
And yet, my heart keeps beating. Tattered though it may be, it is not undone. Happiness still comes to me, in many places, and many ways. And perhaps that is what is so hard, that is what hurts. I know what it is to walk in the lush valley. Nobody's path is without stones, but mine still abounds with sweetness. I just want that for him, too.
In this, we all have good days, and bad days. Today, maybe not so good. I won't feel bad about that though, because there is a season for everything. This is the season to mourn. But one day, hopefully soon soon soon, it will be a season to dance.
To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
Oh, the peace that is found in the law of the Lord. I am so thankful for the balm of His Word.
Brotherly Love | By WonderGirl | 1:43 PM
It's hard to know what to say to that. One thing I do know, our God is in control even though it seems that life is out of control. None of this is taking God by surprise. He knows what the future holds because HE holds the future in HIS hands. WE walk around and wring our hands and pace and wonder at the future, cry and beg and plead and panic. But God does not do any of those things, for he knows exactly what will happen. He knows the exact place that Trey will go to, He knows the people that will be in jail with him. He knows that your heart is breaking over this. God holds Trey in HIS hands, and that is the safest place in the world to be.
As much as you or I or your parents love Trey and want the best for him and his future, GOD loves him even more than any of us could ever love him. As much as you want to see him restored, God wants that more. As much as you want this to turn out for the good, God desires it to turn out for HIS glory.
I will be praying for all of you and especially for Trey that God will take this season of his life to shape and mold and make Trey into the person that he was meant to be before God. I will pray that God will use this situation for HIS honor and HIS glory, and that HE will be victorious in Trey's life and in the life of your family. Praise God that you have HIM in your life to lean on, to call upon, to cry on HIS shoulder, that HE is there to understand your heartache. I can't imagine life without Jesus Christ. For we do have Christ who will walk through this with us and for that we need to be thankful. So many people go through life and tragedies without Him, and I can't imagine how they handle it.
God has truly blessed you, He's allowed you to be raised in a Christian home, with parents that took you to church, that taught you to pray. God's given you an extended family that loves God and strives to serve Him. God has continued to bless you with a Godly husband and Godly inlaws. God has blessed you all with health and with 3 beautiful children. And God will continue to bless in this seemingly hopeless situation. For our God is the God of HOPE, of LOVE, of GRACE and MERCY. And He will never ever let you down.
I love you very much, and we will pray Trey through this time in his life. One day at a time.
Posted by: Aunt Dianna at July 27, 2005 10:01 PM
Aunt Dee, thank you for taking the time write such an uplifting response. I appreciate your thoughts, and will reread your words many times, I'm sure. I love you and am so glad you are in my life!
Posted by: Wondergirl at July 28, 2005 1:02 AM
Posted by: Aunt Vickie at July 28, 2005 12:35 PM
I think it is better he is going to jail than going in a casket. He is really getting a second chance, If he could just see it that way.
Posted by: annie at July 30, 2005 9:46 PM