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November 28, 2007
Lighting a Torch to See the Sun
I've been a Christian since I was six years old, but that doesn't mean I have all the answers. Even writing that makes me laugh. There are moments when I flounder, when questions plague me, when I am fearful. There are times when I lay in bed, and I pray, Oh God, please be real. Please don't be what they say you are, just part of the mythology...
And, then: Why, God? Why make it so hard to believe? Why don't You show Yourself to the world, show them so they can't deny You exist?
And: Why do I believe? How do I know?
I don't know if I'm never supposed to wonder those kinds of things, I don't know if it's a sign of my immaturity as a Christian. Maybe it's that I haven't achieved that higher state of faith. I really and truly don't know. How long and how far must you go before those questions disappear? Do they ever, completely?
But, I do know, it's not that I don't believe. Because I know there is a God. But in a world of cynicism and disbelief, where people want cold, hard proof, faith just doesn't seem a big enough reply. Sometimes, you want for a grand display, some great, undeniable solid answer that would settle it once and for all. But God just doesn't operate that way. There are moments when I wish He did. It sure would make things easier. It would be nice to hear His booming voice from the heavens answer to the skeptics, "I am Yahweh! I Am that I Am! I am your Creator!"
I'd smile, and say, "See? I told ya so!" I wouldn't be snotty about it, either. I'd just be glad they could see I'd been telling the Truth.
But that's not God's style. And I kind of understand it. Real faith means complete and utter belief, without seeing. Without the booming voice from heaven. It's expensive, this faith in unseen things. It costs His followers much, and because of that, is more valuable and pleasing in His eyes. It is not a paltry thing, to have faith in God.
But this doesn't mean there isn't any proof of His existence. Because there is proof, everywhere. I could start in on the wonders of the earth and heavens, but truly, I have to look no further than myself to know there is a God. I know the changes He has wrought within me, changes that I could not bring about myself. He is the source of all the good things in me. Anytime I feel compassion, or kindness, or love, I am proof of the Divine. Those things cannot exist without Him. I know what I would be on my own, and it is wretched. I know that He has saved me from myself a thousand times, He has brought me from perilous ends over and over again.
I know He exists, because when I pray, He is listening. "Where are You?" I ask, and He shows me, that He is where He always has been, that it is I who moved from Him. "Help me!" I cry, and He provides, in ways I don't expect, in needs I didn't know I had. "Change me!" I plead, and He does, reaching into parts of me that I couldn't touch, and making what seemed impossible, possible.
No amount of skepticism can touch that. There is no refuting what I know in my soul. The evidence is worked in me, into my very cells-- each breath I take is a proclamation of a loving, saving Creator, and I know it like I know there is blood in my body. I can't see it, but I feel my heart beating, pushing it from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. It's undeniably there, sustaining me.
I don't know any better way to say it. It's just not an easy proof for the world. I can't turn myself inside out to show them what God did in me. But I can hope and pray that they see something different about me as I walk this foreign ground, waiting to go home.
Faith doesn't mean you don't have questions. It doesn't mean you've got it all figured out. It means, you trust, even without having the answers. It means that you believe in God, even when its hard, even when it seems foolish in the eyes of others. You believe, when the world scoffs, because you know, you know, you know, as nobody else can, what you would be without Him.
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Spiritual Places | By WonderGirl | 10:41 AM
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Comments
Amen... beautifully expressed...
Posted by: spiderlillies at November 28, 2007 3:07 PM
I so needed to read that this evening. It is faith that is getting us through this extremely trying time and yes, sometimes I wonder, too, if it is all real. But we HAVE to believe. To not believe would be bleak and hopeless. I have faith that David will soon be walking among the angels, he will be healthy and whole, and will be welcomed by family and friends who have gone before him. And I HAVE to believe that when it is my time, my husband will be standing there with his hand outstretched, waiting for me to join him. That is what faith is all about.
Thanks for a beautiful and very timely post.
Posted by: tricia at November 28, 2007 11:45 PM
"because you know, you know, you know"
sometimes that's all the proof I have, and most of the time it's all I need.
I feel so helpless when other people require me to give more than that. It's like having an answer that isn't right enough.
Posted by: emily at November 29, 2007 10:10 AM
