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May 29, 2008
Having A Baby
...is on my brain these days. (Oh, I do love misleading headlines!)
Anyway, it's crazy, I know. There are days when things flow so smoothly, days when hardly anybody cries, days when I feel like we're almost out of the trenches-- and I couldn't IMAGINE starting all over again with another child. As a matter of fact, many times I whisper a "thank you, Jesus" prayer that we've come so far. Because those are fantastic days- and they're happening more frequently lately. They're almost enough to squash that baby urge all together. But not quite. Because there's still a sliver of something in me that just can't believe I'll never be pregnant again, never breathe in that sweet newborn scent again, never have impossibly tiny fingers wrap around mine. And when it hits, it hits hard.
It's not that I feel as if our family isn't complete. I'm very happy with the dynamics of four kids- our quiver is certainly full. It's so full, in fact, that I wonder how we'd accommodate anything extra. But still... this feeling.
I suppose it would be there after the last baby, no matter how many children I have. Because it means, this is the end of this part of my life. A chapter is finished, a really BIG chapter, the best one so far. And now as I approach the end of it, I don't know how to turn that last page. So much of who and what I am, so much of my purpose- is wound up in bringing forth life. We can't help it, as women. We've been playing "mommie" since we could hold a baby doll. It's not just a mindset, it's a biological force that we've dealt with since adolescence. Moving beyond it, denying that function, is a wrenching decision.
I will be 33 this year, and in many ways, I'm ready to hand off the torch to the younger women, let them have the babies. Because it's tough, and I'm a little bit tired. But my fingers hesitate, and my heart is torn, and I wonder if I have stamina enough for just one more run.
If I don't, if I've given everything I have to give, then it means I must have a different kind of strength- the kind to say, Okay. I'm done.
I'm not so sure which of those is harder.
Child of Mine | By WonderGirl | 10:01 AM
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Comments
You're killing me here...Wondergirl. I'm due in two weeks with number four and I've been thinking so much about how this is the "fourth and final" as Jim says. I thought after getting pregnant this time it would be much easier to end this chapter of my life...now I realize after reading your blog and already having sad thoughts about how after this birth, I'll never, ever hold a brand new little one again: that that urge will not go away so easily. There's got to be an answer to this...certainly God doesn't intend for all of us to be like the Duggar family.
Posted by: Amy V at May 29, 2008 10:34 AM
I suppose that the balance will shift more away from babyness as the kids get older... maybe the ease of having older kids will begin to overshadow that urge. I dunno. I DO know, I just cannot have sixteen children, so somewhere along the line, I gotta deal!! Duggar, I ain't!
Posted by: WG at May 29, 2008 3:39 PM
HA HA HA.
I mean, "I HEAR ya."
Posted by: Moriah (Please Pass the Salt) at May 29, 2008 8:27 PM
Hey, little girl,dont worry about not experincing
thoes newborn smells and whatever. Wait your turn , thats what being grand parents are all about.(not to mention great G Parents )
you wont know just how great it is untill your turn comes around it,s all worth the wait, beleive me.
Posted by: Paw Pa (white) at May 30, 2008 10:05 AM
Oh WG, WG. Even I know exactly how you feel and I'm now a GREAT-grandmother. There is absolutely NOTHING like the smell, the feel, the touch, the utter essence of a baby. But as Paw Pa said, it's even better being a grandparent (or a great-grandparent). My youngest daughter was born just 12 days before I turned 33, but then she was 9 and 11 years younger than my other 2 girls. So, even though it is very hard to give up that baby-stage, he'll always be your baby.
When our youngest went off to college, we told her that as long as we were paying her way, she'd always be under the wing. She retalliated with, "I don't mind being under the wing so much, it's being under the armpit that's hard." :)
Posted by: Bevely at May 30, 2008 5:02 PM
WG- is that woman you in that pic? it sort of looks like you after you had the curly headed girl, well, the mouth and eyebrows do....but it doesn't look like czarina...
Posted by: ash at June 3, 2008 5:19 PM
Okay, I know we don't see each other that much, but that is NOT me in the picture. Maybe we should schedule get togethers a little more frequently.
Posted by: WG at June 3, 2008 5:55 PM
well, you picked a pic that did have some of your characteristics. I thought you would be impressed that I know the shape of your eyebrows.
Posted by: ash at June 9, 2008 11:31 AM
