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September 23, 2008
Hollows
Last night, I lay in bed, completely awash in anxiety and guilt and fear. It stalked me relentlessly, until I finally gave way, until my proud neck finally bent-- and I laid it all out before God in prayer.
Prayer is a bit too tidy a word for the blubbering, incoherent, desperate break-down of the early morning hours. It's amazing how wrenched your soul can be, when on the outside, only a few tears escape. How complete a camouflage these exterior shells can accomplish! But God knows the inner turmoil, He sees the anguish, the need, and He has an answer.
I had a very clear, absolute response from Him last night.
I have mentioned before, that I have guilt issues. I feel guilty over everything, and I'm so utterly sick of it. It's like carrying around a million pounds of chain, shackling and pulling on me, weighing me down, imprisoning me. It is particularly heavy in terms of motherhood-- I am plagued by guilt over my impatience and flaws as a mother. I am so afraid that I am doing it all wrong, that I am ruining them. At the end of the day, I lay in bed, and wonder how much I've messed them up. I think of all I didn't do that I needed to, or what I DID do, that I shouldn't have. I fall asleep, and often the last thought in my mind, is that here's another day I failed.
That's really awful, isn't it? I know it shouldn't be that way. But I can't seem to stop it. Even when I do well, even if we have a good day, I have a hard time not seeing some way in which I've let them down.
Well, I hate it. I'm sick to death of it. And last night, I just couldn't even put it into words, but I just dragged it out in front of God, and begged Him to take it from me. To burn away all the false guilt, the inaccurate perspectives and PRIDE (because isn't perfectionism, in some way, denial and arrogance on our parts?)-- and leave behind only the good and edifying urgings of the Holy Spirit. To take away the thoughts that discourage- leaving me with the ones that uplift and motivate...
And as the guilt came into clearer focus, what was real and what is not... I am left with still, a broken state. With false guilt melting away, then I can see what is truly, honestly in need of change. I see it, and with clarity comes grief. I cried out at my ineptitude, at my inadequacies. I asked Him, aren't You disappointed? Don't You regret entrusting me with these things? You're working with faulty material- how can you make anything GOOD of this?? I am defective.
And it is here, where my one-sided conversation became Divinely two-sided.
But I am sufficient, He responded.
He whispered it over and over-- I am God, and I am sufficient. To every self-deprecating remark, to every utterance of my failures and shortcomings, He said simply, I am sufficient. It doesn't matter what is wrong with you... because everything is right with Me.
I laid there, with my swiss-cheese soul, with the gaping holes and voids, the bottomless pits of my imperfections... and His words rushed in to fill every one of them. His sufficiency made me whole.
He poured out over me, and into me, finding all the hidden vacuums in my life, and said I AM HERE.
Oh.
How small my mortal words.
I slept, finally. I slept as a child, under the watchful eye of Someone Bigger, Someone Stronger, Someone who will never leave me or forsake me.
So today, when I see the deficiencies in my life, when I gaze into the countless hollows of my humanity-- I will see HIM, working, stabilizing, upholding... I will see His strength in my weakness.
And I will know I am not alone.
Spiritual Places | By WonderGirl | 10:14 AM
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Comments
I know you don't post these type of entries in hopes of affirmation from your readers, but your post touched me. Your children's kindness and goodness and love for Christ is a testament of the gift of mothering that God has given to you. And yes, more than that, it is a testament of God's suffiency.
I know I struggle with the same thing, and you have really put it in perspective for me- thank you.
Posted by: ash at September 23, 2008 9:07 PM
oh stop reading my soul and speaking those things that I recognize so much in me and my poor attempts at being it all. I look at my children now and thank God that they are who they are in spite of me and my mistakes. He did the molding and carving and sculpting and used my hands as a tool. He perfected what I so poorly crafted and made my work such a beautiful masterpiece at least twice. You are such a loving mother and your children know that and are secure in that knowledge. I saw first hand that very thing and those children have truly been blessed to have you as their mother. You are human and you must accept that my dear like it or not. You will make mistakes because you are human. I think about our Destin trip often and wish we were there once more. Take care and kiss those babies for me and tell them Aunt C loves them.
Posted by: aunt c at September 23, 2008 11:55 PM
THE most important thing you are doing is being present and available...and so is HE...pg
Posted by: Patti at September 24, 2008 8:23 AM
Thanks for the reminder and perspective. ahem. I wasn't going to cry....
Posted by: Denise at September 24, 2008 12:53 PM
"Be Still and Know that I AM GOD"...It's always good to know that I'm not alone. Guilt is like the number one thing I struggle with everyday too...is it because we're firstborns??? Will my Shannon struggle with this too?? How can we protect our firstborns (or maybe all of our children) from this? Thanks for your words, Wondergirl...He is the only sufficient one!
Posted by: amyv at September 24, 2008 10:10 PM
Excellent post. I don't have kids yet but I have wife-guilt all the time. Someone told me conviction is from the Holy Spirit and leads to repentence; guilt is from Satan and leads to self-loathing. On a rainy camping trip a long time ago a collasal thunder storm left our tent in a puddle of water but I heard those same words, clear as day, and slept soundly: "I AM HERE." I love your blog!!
Posted by: Mari at September 29, 2008 9:32 AM
