June 15, 2009
Seeing is Believing
So, finally, I saw a doctor today. Sitting in the waiting room as big bellies paraded past me, I felt incredibly out of place. I didn't realize how uncertain of this pregnancy I was until that moment. I began to think, I've just been fooling myself-- inventing symptoms-- 'cause there's no way I fit here.
At the moment of the ultrasound, I prepared myself to see an empty space. A black void, where a baby should be, but wasn't. Because, I've been there before-- expecting to see something, then not, and that is a cruel blow. Once that's happened, you're skittish. Spooked. So, I'm laying there with however much dignity one can gather up in a backless, paper gown-- and I hold my breath. Until, yes, there it is! A little human being. I am not crazy, I didn't convince myself of anything-- I really am, actually, truly, pregnant with my fifth child.
That's big potatoes, people. There's no denying it anymore-- life is about to change. Am I ready? Who is? I'm just trusting that God will provide us with everything we need to grow this way. Patience, fortitude, time, space, money... I'll admit, it's a little scary to me at this point. I don't want to get buried in the details of it, I know it'll all work out, so I don't think too hard on it. But there are moments, there are fears-- will I be enough? Can I stretch far enough to handle it all? I know I can't. But I do know that when I've reached as far as I can go, God goes the rest of the way. That's incredibly reassuring.
Well, that's it for now. I've got Monday to tend to. I'll be back tomorrow, because I've got plenty to write about-- I've just been holding off till this appointment was settled. Now, my brain is cleared up a bit, and I'm not in limbo anymore-- so let the writing begin!
YEAH!! Wonderful, wonderful....I'm so excited for you. Promise to call ya this week!! Love you :)
Posted by: amy v at June 15, 2009 2:56 PM
WHOOHOO!!! Hi baby! Love you.
Posted by: Denise M. at June 15, 2009 3:57 PM
My very first pregnancy ended in heartache rather than a bundle of joy. We've never had another loss, but each pregnancy I've experienced since I go through the exact same thing. And, that's after taking multiple at home tests just to make sure I don't waste the doctor's precious time (or mine!) before making "the call". Seeing that tiny bean and his/her heartbeat never ceases to take my breath away no matter how many times it happens. May the next 25 weeks or so be enjoyable for you!
Posted by: sarah at June 15, 2009 5:19 PM
I feel relief! Congratulations. God bless the little one.
Posted by: Teri at June 15, 2009 6:37 PM
That moment of joy and relief was evident in your voice today. Blessed day and blessed life that we are living. I love you Wondergirl!
Posted by: In Wondermom at June 15, 2009 10:48 PM
I'm so thrilled for you Wondergirl. My youngest daughter went through the empty sack in December. They told us at Christmas they were expecting their second baby and then poof! There wasn't anything there after all.
Posted by: Bevely at June 16, 2009 8:11 AM
YAY!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!! I know that 'hold your breath' feeling watching that screen for the first ultrasound. it is NERVEWRACKING.
Posted by: stella at June 17, 2009 3:52 PM
congrats big sis i am very excited for you I am truly happy for you is a better way to put it. Ill be praying for you
Posted by: Trey at June 17, 2009 9:02 PM