November 11, 2008
Days of Plenty
What a wonderful, life affirming two days. Yesterday, my cousin Laura gave birth to her first child, a little baby boy. She was one tough cookie, determined to have a drug-free birth, and she did it. I am so proud of her!
Also, yesterday, my sister Ashley announced on her blog that she is pregnant. This is especially significant to me, because she and I had the same due date. At first, that hurt a little bit, but now, not so much. I will always have a special reminder when I look at her child of my own little one now in heaven. I know I will sometimes think of what might have been, but I will also think of what IS, and that is a beautiful thing, too.
And lastly, today is my brother's birthday. My brother, who has journeyed through addiction, and has come out on the other side. My brother, who at times, we feared might not reach the next birthday when that path was particularly ugly. My brother, who is seeking the Lord in his life... oh how God answers prayers.
So, it's a good two days. The sting of sorrow is wearing off, it just can't stand against the endless blessings that God bestows. It is buoyed up, and away, in the rolling waves of His goodness.
Posted by WonderGirl at 9:49 AM | Comments (2)
November 4, 2008
Brother O'Mine
My brother, Trey, is blogging. I love his title, East is to the West. That's how far God promises to cast our sins from us when we repent... what a beautiful truth to cling to in this fallen world! I cannot tell you how happy I am to read my brother's thoughts. Please stop by and give a newbie a welcome, won't ya dears?
Posted by WonderGirl at 1:41 PM | Comments (0)
September 21, 2008
One Word To Rule Them All
(King Pen says nobody will get my LoTR pun. I disagree. He can't appreciate the broad NERD appeal of this blog the way you and I can. Heh. Anyway, on with the post.)
There is a collection of videos on Godtube about two types of Christians. The series is a parody of the Mac and PC commercials. The "PC" character is the traditional, conservative Christian. The "Mac" character is the new contemporary "Christ-Follower".
It is unflattering, of course, to the traditional Christian. Stuffy, formal, awkward-- dressed in a suit, totally uncool and uptight, basically clueless, and amazingly narrow-minded. Every bad stereotype rolled into one. The contemporary Christ Follower is much more enlightened in his casual wear, his mellow attitude, and bemusement at his counterpart. The role of the "Christ Follower" is to throw off the title "Christian" and all it's unpleasant connotations. As a matter of fact, the series is called "Christian No More", if I am reading that correctly.
I can understand the objective- to present to the world a brand of Christianity minus the hypocrisy and lack of grace and forgiveness and charity. Minus the SIN. To show the world JESUS, without all our own failings and ignorance getting in the way. But it doesn't work like that. It can't-- because we're fallen and imperfect. We can't escape our faults by changing our name from "Christian" to "Christ- Follower". T-shirts and flipflops in church won't elevate us above pride and hypocrisy. Hanging out in a sanctuary filled with couches instead of pews (yes, that's a real church in Dallas, I believe) doesn't make our worship more genuine and acceptable to God. Abandoning archiac "high-church" music and liturgy for the new, contemporary choruses and praise bands doesn't make it BETTER. It makes it different, which is a very diplomatic choice of words for me. We have watered down what could be a veritable FEAST of worship on Sundays in many contemporary services. I will not open that pandora's box on this blog, but I will say that I think much of the current worship lineup in a contemporary church is way off-base. Maybe I'll go into that later, if I'm feeling brave.
Anyway, my point is, it doesn't matter how much we redefine ourselves, it doesn't change the fact that what's wrong with Christianity isn't fixable by a name change. The church is full of sinners. It is, in fact, the very reason we gather-- our need for salvation, for forgiveness, for redemption. It is our sin that drives us to those doors, begging for entrance. Is it any wonder that you find the full spectrum of sin within it's walls?
To make Christianity more appealing to the world by saying you won't find those things with the NEW Christian, the Christ Follower... well, it's just a lie. It's false advertisement. It's nothing new, of course. . It's just that so many people are buying into the new idea of holy, so much so that anything else seems laughable, and that is a great tragedy. "Christ Followers" are separating themselves from something none of us can escape... sin.
We've been in a dozen churches in the last nine months looking for a place to move our membership. We've been to six different denominations. We've experienced the full range of services and theologies and fellowships... and I can tell you this, I've ready for a church home. It won't be perfect, it won't be filled to the brim with enlightened, self-actualized Christ Followers in jeans who all listen to U2 and have 5 o'clock shadows. It will be a body of believers united by their love for God, sharing in their desperate need for Him, seeking ways to glorify Him in their weaknesses. Christians.
And to my thinking, that's not such a bad thing to be a part of. I'll let God handle the PR.
Posted by WonderGirl at 9:30 PM | Comments (8)
July 26, 2007
Higher Than I
My company has come and gone (enjoyed it, Aunt J!) and we are settling in for the remainder of the week. I have accumulated all the material I need for my business, and much of the thinking is past me. The next week will be busy, as I sew, sew, sew. I am eager to get at it.
But tonight, something else is on my mind, and I am at a loss as to how to express it. That's how I feel actually, just lost. I don't know that I have the freedom to go into it here, though I wish I did. Oh what the hay. I'm gonna talk about it, and if I need to delete this post, then I will.
My brother is in jail, as most of you know. He's waiting there for a hearing at the beginning of August. It's complicated, but the jist of it is that he'll either serve his original sentence of 17 years, or the judge may decide to give him one more chance and he could go into a long-term drug rehab program, or a reduced sentence or something. I don't know what the odds are of any of those things. There's just no way to say at this point.
Anyway, so that's that.
Today, we learned that his wife of four months is expecting.
I just... man. I don't know. I'm tore up.
It really doesn't help that I found out in the worst possible way, and I'm dealing with that hurt as well. I'm scared and angry, and trying to find my way to a better place with this. But it's been a long day, and I don't feel much better ending it than I did starting it. I am battling old wars with myself. Digging up things that have been long buried and put away. I don't want to go down those old paths again, but my feet move me towards them and I am weary. Does that make sense? It took a long time to heal the old wounds, and I felt the sting of them again today. It surprised me, those ancient pangs. I thought they had disappeared in our history, only distant memories. How fragile our hold on the present, when we begin to glance over our shoulders at the past. I don't want to live that way.
But I am afraid of the future, too, and find there is no easy place to look.
I know writing this won't make my folks happy. But dadgum. If I don't have the freedom to write about my struggles here, then what good is this blog? It's not just a place to post pictures for my family, or the recipes that I've used for a dinner. This is my life. If you read this blog, you've got to understand that. I want to be sensitive to the privacy of others, I really do. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I can't bring myself to pretend nothing is wrong when the opposite is true. I want to live a genuine life - I want to write what is real. I've been up, I've been down, I've been right, and I've been WRONG. But at the end of the day, I just want to know that I was authentic. It's the only way to learn anything, the only way to grow. Maybe I'll look back on it, in my wiser years, and see the foolishness of youth, and I'll regret it. But at least it will be something I can look back on and know honestly where I've come from, good and bad.
Anyway, I feel like I've got to qualify all that with the fact that I am in no way upset with the baby. You can't think that my emotions are in any way directed to this innocent little one. That's ridiculous. But I can't look at this situation and not cry when I think of what it means. It's not that I can't see the joy in a new life. But can I grieve the circumstances? Am I allowed that?
---
I don't know. I'm tired, and I think I'm going to bed.
I'm going to close comments on this post. I am just not up to responses on this one, and I hope you'll understand. I need to feel the way I do tonight. I need the quiet. If I'm still and empty tonight, then maybe I'll be filled with that peace that passes understanding when I wake. As I lay in bed tonight, trying to settle my restless mind, I will cling to the words of Psalms 61. "Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
That's all I know to do, wait for the way.
Thanks for listening. Don't know what I'd do without you.
Posted by WonderGirl at 10:31 PM
June 26, 2007
Expounded
I suppose that last entry was a tad cryptic. Sorry. I was at a loss for words at the moment, but I am more collected now.
Last night, I learned that my brother is in serious trouble. I haven't written about him here in a long time; he needed privacy to begin reconstructing his life after jail. Since he got out last August, he entered the Drug Court, which monitored him closely with drug tests, meetings, counseling, etc. He had a list of do's and don'ts. And if he slipped up, he was booted from the program and had to serve his full sentence, which is seventeen years.
He's had a few bumps along the road, but they've been patient, and given him second chances. But, you can't live your life on second chances. Eventually, you run out of them. And that's what happened this weekend. He violated his probation, and in a week, he will have a hearing before a judge to decide his fate. It will almost certainly mean incarceration. I say almost, because there is still the chance that the judge will do something unexpected. There is always room for a miracle. But you don't count on them, you know?
It took a few hours for this to sink in with me. When it did, all I could do was grieve. Trey has a new wife of three months, a sweet girl who now faces an uncertain and scary future. I thought of her. And then I thought of my mother, who has harbored hope, as we all have, and now that hope is crushed beneath the weight of seventeen years. And I thought of Trey, who must feel that he's lost everything, and has only himself to blame. I thought of my children, my family, who have lost a future of memories with him.
I grieve the loss of hope. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently. Maybe tomorrow I will find my hope again. But today, though I take comfort in the fact that God is in control of all things, my soul aches.
Posted by WonderGirl at 10:33 AM
June 25, 2007
Unsaid
Sometimes, words fail. Tonight, they are inadequate, uncooperative. I can't make them work right.
I'll try again tomorrow, and maybe they will serve me better.
Posted by WonderGirl at 10:46 PM
July 20, 2006
Revisited
Once upon a time, I wrote about my brother and his struggles with drugs on this blog. Do you remember? It was the hardest topic I've ever addressed on my blog, and talking about it publicly the way I did was carthartic, but brutal, for my family. There came a point where the healing was outweighed by the hurting, so I stopped sharing our troubles here. But we're in a different place now, and I think I can write about it again.
Ten months ago, my brother was sent to jail by his own actions, despite all our attempts to "save" him along the way. He spent some time in general population, before being accepted into a drug rehab program within the penal system. He was still in jail, but now he was in a boot camp type atmosphere, geared at beating the addiction out of him, I guess. It was tough, but in a good way. In one week, he will graduate from this program, and be released under the guidance of something called The Drug Court. It's a system of accountability, mandatory drug tests every few days, a strict regiment of counseling and meetings, and a work-program. I know there's more to it than that, but that's the jist of it.
I have mixed feelings. My parents are the only ones who've visited him in jail. Some, but not all of us, have written him. I offer no criticism for that whatsoever. We all dealt with him according to where we were- nobody is right or wrong in how they did that. My parents swear they see a different person now- they see a man. It scares me some- I have to be honest. Their eagerness, their belief in him. We've been burned before. I just don't want them to see what they want to see, regardless of what's really there. Maybe he has changed, maybe this was exactly what he needed to make a genuine turn around... I just don't know. I think it's the kind of thing that only time will tell. But that's hard to say to parents who want more than anything in the world for their son to be okay. I understand where they are coming from.
And, despite their eagerness, I know they harbor their own anxieties. But it's a little different from what the rest of us are afraid of. For the better part of the last year, my parents have smiled. And laughed. They've been present, they are part of us again. The worry lines faded some, tensions fled, and we have seen glimmers of who they were before all this began. I don't want to lose that. I don't want my family to sink back into that dark place ever again. So, I fear for my brother, yes, but I also fear to lose the two people who have been restored to us for so brief a time.
Anyway, that's been on my mind a lot the last few days, and I thought it was a good time to write about it again. Keep us in your thoughts in the next few weeks as my family makes a new transition with my brother. Pray for wisdom for my parents, and faith for all of us.
Posted by WonderGirl at 9:53 AM
September 19, 2005
Side Bar
I'm sure you've noticed the ongoing dialogue started in my post Crossing Lines.
Let me explain something here, in case there is some question about if I should be writing those things or not.
It sucks. It just does.
My blog is my diary. It didn't start out that way - it began as a fun place to link and post the quirky thoughts that often cross my mind. It was light and easy and entertaining.
Now, maybe not so much. I get serious here, and I realize I've probably lost readers along the way who don't want to get into that heavy emotional stuff. But that's okay. My blog has evolved into exactly that, my blog. It works for me. It is exactly what I need, when I need it. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it feeds my creative monster, and sometimes it doesn't. I've come to love it for what it is.
But it does, occasionally, get me in trouble. If you've been here long enough, you'll remember some of my more spirited controversies, all carefully preserved in the archives. Remember when WonderGirl experimented with some colorfol language- and barely lived to tell the tale? Aah, good times.
Anyway.
I knew I took a big chance writing this very personal experience with drug addiction in our family. But I felt that we needed some kind of forum to deal with it. So yeah - I took the reins in my own hands and put it out there.
It's ugly.
It's painful.
It's embarassing.
But it's also therapeutic, and liberating. It's okay to say it. We're off, we're dysfunctional, we've got serious issues. But are we so different from everyone else in the world? No. We're just louder. And maybe that will help other people be braver, too. Maybe it will give someone else the courage to face their own Bad Stuff, and start to rebuild and repair what's broken in their own life.
To my family - sheesh. I'm sorry. I know it's hard. I know you don't want our business splashed across the internet. But you need to remember, that these are my friends here. These are the people who love me, and pray for me. And when I write about this here- they love you, and pray for you, too. Nobody is judging you or gossipping or laughing. They are hurting for you, interceding for you...
To my mom and dad, I know this is especially difficult for you. You both try so hard to protect everyone else from just how bad it really gets. I respect that. You want the circle of fire to be small, so less people are affected. We weren't raised to air our dirty laundry, and the fact that you haven't thrown my laptop in the lake is a testament to your love for me. Thank you for letting me do this my own way. Even if it is, sometimes, the wrong way.
We will get through this. We will be okay. I believe that. So many good things have happened, even in the height of the storm. Relationships have bloomed, love has deepened, and we have found the ties that bind us are unbreakable. We have been forged in fire, born to strengths we never knew. I am proud to be part of this family, proud to see the changes and maturity and growth of the last year. I am glad to know that I can pick up the phone and be showered with love and encouragement in a matter of seconds. There is never a shortage of love to go around - and that is what will see us through this valley.
I'm done now, I think. I'm tired. I need a break from the emotional weight for a little while, so I'm off to play with the paperdolls again.
You should try it. I am totally in the running to be Jennifer Anniston's new stylist.
Posted by WonderGirl at 2:51 PM
September 16, 2005
Crossing Lines
His fist trembled inches from her face, and she held her breath, waiting. Eyes that should hold love, were filled with hatred instead. Go ahead, she thought. Just do it. And tomorrow when I walk around with a black eye, everybody will see it. And everybody will know what you really are.
Continue reading "Crossing Lines"
Posted by WonderGirl at 1:35 PM
July 27, 2005
All the Seasons
My day is full of little things to do - wash the bottles, fold laundry, mail letters, write in my blog... it's enough to distract me from the imminent incarceration that hangs over my brother's head.
Continue reading "All the Seasons"
Posted by WonderGirl at 1:43 PM
July 10, 2005
The Place For My Trust
In a dark office in the basement of the FBI, Mulder hung this poster.
That is where I am right now. Desperately wanting to believe, afraid to, afraid not to. Not in UFO's, no. But in something equally intangible... the ability to change.
I'm talking about my brother, whom I've written of before. This last trip home afforded me the chance to see him, and I'm glad for it. We had some pleasant moments, and then a not-so-pleasant one. A big arguement turned into an ugly family feud, and resulted in an entire afternoon spent avoiding each other and nursing our wounds. But eventually, we talked. Really talked- the kind you have in the shadows, until three o'clock in the morning. The kind that makes you cry because you say things that you've been needing to say forever. The kind that gives you hope, sends you forward, and makes you sad.
He's weeks, maybe days, away from leaving, either to jail or to a bootcamp. I don't know which yet.
And it's hard on his big sister. Hearing his late night confessions, his remorse, his longing to have a future-- it hurts. Because I want that, too. I don't want to think of him there, even after all the heartache his actions have caused. Knowing that I was hugging him for the last time when I left, well, the tears come just remembering it. I don't want this for him. But his choices led him here, and he knows that.
He told me that he's finally realized what he wants in life. Just to be a husband, and a dad. I see that in him when he plays with my children. I see the person he wants to be. His choices have kept him from that, each surrender to temptation has moved him farther away from those things. He said it finally hit him, that he's been giving up that happy future for this miserable present.
I want to believe.
But you know what? It doesn't really matter if I do, or if I don't. If he truly means it, he can't waste time trying to convince everyone he's reformed-- he just has to do it. There's no point in saying the words, because we've heard them before.
So, he's here, at the end of the path his sin and addiction have led him to. He must pay his dues, face the consequences. But, my prayer is that the end of this path will be the beginning of another. One that is filled with rich blessings, and happiness, and peace. One that he walks with a good woman, toting round and bright babies. One that he will be proud of, take joy in, and be worthy of. One that is empty of regrets and shame.
I want to believe.
And I can't. Not completely, in his words.
But I can believe in something, something far greater than Trey's assurances or promises. I can believe in God's assurances and promises. He hears my prayers, and even in the midst of trial and pain in our life, He has not forgotten us. There is a reason, there is hope.
In Jeremiah 29:10-14, God addresses the Israelites, who are slaves of Babylon. I send these words to you now, Trey, for you are no less a slave to your sins and addiction, though you went into your servitude willingly.
This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
God wants us to believe, too. He just didn't make a poster for it.
Posted by WonderGirl at 10:18 PM
April 14, 2005
Inner Workings
Had a hard conversation today on the subject of forgiveness. I knew something had been bothering me, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. As soon as the word was spoken, I realized just how much I've been counting the wrongs done to me, done to my loved ones, by my brother. I've been holding each infraction close, taking them out more and more frequently, and reviewing them, stewing and brewing. The burden has become so heavy, and I didn't even realize the weight of it until today.
Forgiveness comes easier when someone says they are sorry. When they show true repentence, that remorse oils the squeeky gears of forgiveness. With tears of joy, we happily throw the hurts to the wind. Wrongs are forgotten, the past is released, the future embraced.
But when someone is not sorry, when they don't see or worse, don't even care what they've done, forgiveness will not budge from my heart. They haven't earned it. They don't deserve it. And they are still a threat, still bound to hurt me even more. Forgiveness is a luxury they haven't the right to.
How do you forgive someone like that? Why do you even bother? What difference does it make?
Well, I swear I've heard the answers to those questions a thousand times. But somehow, I forgot. I really, truly forgot why we forgive the unforgivable, the unrepentant. In my own pain, I blinded myself to the very foundation of my faith.
We forgive, because that was what was done for us.
It doesn't mean that you don't hurt over it, that you aren't angry, that it's acceptable, or that actions don't have consequences. All of that has to be dealt with, and that's okay. Those things are really separate issues from forgiveness. But, it does mean that in the end, you forgive those trespasses against you, as our Father forgives us.
It's not that this person deserves it or even cares about it-- it's not for him. It's for me. It's about ME striving to be more like Christ, who forgave more than my mortal mind can comprehend. He forgave the sin of all humanity. What He asks of me is a mere pittance in comparison. And when we do forgive, what rewards we reap! Peace and happiness begin to heal those hurts. We are liberated from hate, we are free to live without the shackles of that pain. That's a promise we find time and time again in the Bible.
I'm not going to lie, even knowing that, I still don't want to forgive him. It's something that I am going to have to work on. I still need to understand just what forgiveness means, but, as was pointed out to me today, this is my chance to explore that. God is giving me an opportunity to learn something, to grow, to be more of what He's called me to be.
I know I'll have to pray, "Lord, help me to WANT to forgive." The thing is, I know God will hear that, no matter how hollow it sounds to me right now. And one day, probably a day I won't expect it, that forgiveness will be there, quietly waiting for me to see it. It may not change him, or the situation, but it changes me.
I wanted to share these things here, because this is where I go, this is where my friends are, these are the people who love me and make me better. I can count on you to be the sharpening stones in my path.
I also want to thank the person who has led me to think about this, who challenged me when I needed it. You said all the right things today.
Thank you.
Posted by WonderGirl at 7:02 PM
February 22, 2005
When the Truth Hurts,
I can't seem to not write about it.
This is for you, Trey, because it could happen.
Continue reading "When the Truth Hurts,"
Posted by WonderGirl at 10:06 PM
January 25, 2005
Day in the Life
I hate to be emotional. I don't want to be one of those people, those emotional vampires that are to be avoided at all costs. I don't want to be needy, I don't want sympathy, I don't want to make this about me. But I can't be fake either. I can't get on here right now and not write about how I'm feeling.
I've written about my brother. It was a good thing to do. It helped people in our family start talking and working through things. It didn't, of course, solve the problem, but I was optimistic. But drug addiction is a topsy turvy road, and right now I'm at a low point.
Continue reading "Day in the Life"
Posted by WonderGirl at 4:15 PM
December 29, 2004
Where We Are
How do you start writing the things you don't want to say? Do you jump right in and face the cold shock of the truth? Or do you ease in, one toe at a time, hoping each second will get easier? I’m usually not the jumping type, but there’s no easy way to lead into this subject.
My younger brother has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. It's not a secret, not exactly. You just can’t hide something like that forever. But, wanting to spare grief to others, we try to handle things on our own. It’s been our policy to “circle the wagons”. But when the trouble is from within… what good does that do? So, I’m coming clean. I’m putting it out there. I hope so much that this doesn’t hurt my mom or dad or anybody, but I need to write about this. I can’t see that saying these things, saying the truth, makes it any more painful. It’s the secrets that hurt, that erode. Saying them is a relief.
Continue reading "Where We Are"
Posted by WonderGirl at 6:49 PM