November 7, 2008

Reminders

So, I still have moments, when my soul is dragging the floor. Though I know I'm healing, there are times that sadness buffets me. I keep going, keep doing what I'm doing, but I'm hunkered down under it, trying not to lose my footing.

Today is a week.

I keep seeing things, hearing things... little reminders that God is with me. A picture of a fellow blogger, holding a coffee cup that said, "Suffering is bitter, but it's fruits are sweet." Or, the song on the radio, "I Know that my Redeemer Lives", whose lyrics reached right into my pain. Or, hearing my own voice as I explained to the kids that it's okay that Obama will be president, because God is always in control of everything, and He works it all out for good.

He's here, and I know it, because He keeps drawing my eyes to His presence.

There are still the reminders of loss, too. The box of maternity clothes came in. I couldn't decide what to do with it, in more ways than one. Will I ever wear these things again? Should I give them away, should I sell them? Should I even open the box? I let it sit in the middle of the floor, right where the delivery man put it, for hours. I walked around it, trying to see past it when I moved through the room.

I finally opened it. And it didn't kill me. I won't say it was easy, but I made peace with it.

Reminders, reminders, everywhere. I can't get away from loss, and I can't get away from Him.

I wrote something just a few weeks ago that I can't help but think of nowadays.

...while there is air to move beyond my lips, no matter how sweet or bitter, then I will thank Him for it. "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." He leaned down, gave me breath, gave me love, gave me life. What else can I do, but sigh back in thanksgiving, praising him with the very breath He gave?

Learning to thank Him, even when I'm hurting, even when I didn't get what I wanted, Learning to praise Him, even when my heart breaks and my womb aches, and my arms feel empty---
is learning to love Him in a whole new way.

And I can't believe for one moment, that I didn't need that.

Posted by WonderGirl at 8:47 AM | Comments (0)

November 6, 2008

Lightening

All I want for Christmas is to be NORMAL again. I feel very much not myself these days. I don't know how to fix that, and it's getting old. I miss me.

I've written half a dozen posts in the last few days that are unpublishable. They're too heavy, too much. Too internal. But for the life of me, I can't write lighthearted right now.

My body has recovered, but I can't say what's going on with my heart. I want it to be better, I'm trying. But it lags behind my physical recovery. I have done some reading, because sometimes other people's experiences help me understand mine. I read this today, and I'm posting it, because I am here right now.

...I run from the world and fling myself into God's arms, and, like Jacob at Peniel, I 'contend' with God. It's not about anger, or at least, not only about anger. It's the whole process, the hope, the loss, the pain, the despair, the anger, all of it, start to finish. I contend with Him to settle things between us, to bring peace and healing to our relationship. I contend with Him because I can't move on with my life until I do. And so I leave the world behind and isolate myself with my God -- alternately clinging to Him and wrestling with Him, resting in Him and struggling against Him, crying out to Him and lashing out at Him. And, through the darkness, I refuse to let go. I won't let go because, although losing my babies wounds me, losing my God would destroy me. I can't let go because He is life and breath and letting go would be the end of me. So I hold on until the light dawns, and then, at last, I surrender. I surrender to His will and to His incomprehensible love--a love that would sacrifice His own Son for me, but would still allow such awful pain and loss into my life. God's love makes no sense to me, that He would love me so deeply when I am so unworthy, and that He would hurt me so deeply when He loves me so much. But, in the light of a new dawn, my faith is renewed. My questions remain unanswered, but since "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb. 11:1)" that's what I hold on to--I have to believe there is a purpose, a good and loving and perfect purpose, that I can't see. I have to believe that or I couldn't live through so much loss. And, by believing that, I can put my questions aside until I get to heaven, and I can heal, and I can finally move on.

She says it better than I could.

I do not intend this blog to become a sorrowful, painful place. I just have to work my way out of sadness, and it's slow going. I'm hoping, if I share it some, then it'll lighten the load.

Posted by WonderGirl at 10:57 AM | Comments (3)

November 2, 2008

The Other Side

I just wanted to thank everybody for your encouraging, supportive words over the last few days. I've gotten lots of emails and calls, and comments here that have really helped. I am feeling better, both physically and emotionally. I was describing it to my mom as suddenly losing your shell, losing your protective covering. It takes a while to grow a new one. But, I'm working on it, I've got something there. It's still soft, but I'm not as vulnerable and exposed as I was. I don't cry as easily, I can talk about it and think about it without so much pain. I am smiling about other things, eating, talking, breathing again. I'm going to be okay. What hurt, is healing- in body and in spirit.

Thank you all for being there, for saying something even if you weren't sure what to say. I know how that is, I know it can feel awkward or insufficient to say something, even downright uncomfortable, when somebody is going through a hard time. But it means all the more to me that you reached out over that, to let me know you care and you're praying. It helped, it truly did.

The kids have been with King Pen's mother, who so graciously took them and did All Saint's Day festivities Saturday and church today. I know she's got her hands full, and I appreciate her for that short-notice sacrifice. Thank you, Mrs. Sue. I truly appreciate it. I'll be picking them up on Tuesday, and then, we'll get back to life. Life, normal life, which sounds so sweet right now.

Thank you again, friends. God heard your prayers, and He has eased us through, gently bringing us closer to the other side of grief.

Posted by WonderGirl at 8:35 PM | Comments (0)

November 1, 2008

Even In This

I can't find the way to write this down, but I need to. I'm hurting in places, in ways, I can't deal with without the comfort of words.

This time, it was the profile picture I had on facebook. I actually used it here a while back, too. This one:

This was my secret, hidden way of telling you all I was pregnant again. The momma duck, with five ducklings on her back? Isn't it cute? It's how I felt, it's how my heart squeezed at the thought of five children. And when I saw it again today, whatever ground I had gained, I lost. Whatever small steps I had taken towards healing, I stumbled back again.

I was around 7 weeks. My belly was rounding out a little bit. I still keep running my hand over it, the small curve that seems so empty to me now.

Here I am, All Saint's Day, and I'm saying goodbye to what would have been. I'm hurting, body and soul. I don't want to be angry, but I am, though not at God exactly. It's just that my grief doesn't know what else to be. It's too big, and I just want to yell it out of me.

How do I face that box of maternity clothes when it comes in the mail this week?

How many people will I assure that I'm okay, when I know I'm not?

How long will I watch and feel this pregnancy leaving my body? How many times will I sit in the bathroom, trying to Visine the red out of my eyes, trying to reign the pain in so my other children don't worry? How much will I hate that bathroom, because what I long for is just a piece of ground, a decent place to put something that I love? Death deserves more honor than what has happened the last two days. I have nothing to give this baby- I think that's what hurts the most. I couldn't give it a life, or rest... or anything.

I don't want to see anybody or do anything, I don't want life to go on like nothing happened. I want to say goodbye and grieve over this baby, but I have nothing to hold, no fingers to kiss, no small cheek to stroke-- I have nothing. So my grief races around looking for a place to land, weary, desperate.

Four healthy, beautiful children make me a mother. But so did this one, this one expanded me, expanded our life. This one was as much a part of me as the others are, and I just... I wanted to be mama duck to this one, too.

Three paragraphs later, and I'm going to assure you that I'm going to be okay. Even though I don't feel like it right now, I know I will. Even though I'm not okay, I am.

God is still good. He still cares. He knows my heart and what will heal it, and I trust Him with it.

To God be the glory in all things, even in this. Even in this.

Posted by WonderGirl at 11:22 AM | Comments (21)

February 5, 2007

Rising and Shining

Good morning, and good week, everybody. Ready to hit the ground running? I am. Well, ready to hit the ground waddling, anyway. We're off to a good start over here. Kids are playing cheerfully in their rooms, while I peruse the blogs and check my email. (Speaking of which, HeroBoy complained the other day that he never gets any email- which I thought was funny, considering that he's three, doesn't have an email address, and can't read.)

Not much going on this week, really. We have storytime at the library Wednesday, followed by a sacklunch get-together. Other than that, nothing much on the agenda. Oh, maybe we could throw in HAVING A BABY if we're lucky, but I'm not holding my breath. (If I was, I would exhale with a "hoo-hoo-hoo" in hopes that labor would kick up.) I had my first real moment yesterday... one of those, I-can't-do-this-any-longer-please-God-lemme-have-this-baby-NOW-moments. I was relaying this to my mom, and she said, "I know you hate to hear this, but you should really try to enjoy these last few days of being pregnant, etc. etc."

To which I replied, "Talk to the hand, Mother."

No, not really. I do try to enjoy every little thing I can about it- I know how amazing a thing pregnancy is. And I make the most of it, for the first 37 weeks. After that, I'm done. I've enjoyed it enough. All told, I've been pregnant 40 months of my life... or 3 years and 4 months. I don't know how much more of it I could possibly enjoy! Gimme the baby! Let me enjoy the BABY!

But I'm trying to reel that in a little. I'm good. I can hold on a bit longer. And I didn't really tell me dear, old, saintly mither to talk to the hand. (I don't know why, but that was best said with a Scottish burr).

Oh, and I guess I spoke too soon about having names chosen. We're still floundering on the boy's. I thought we had it, but we don't. Now we're in this pattern of thinking of a name, then thinking of why we don't like it. Poor baby. If it's a boy, it's out of luck, cause we got nothing. I thought of a great one, but then we decided it was just "too cool". Too cool? How is that a problem, I ask? Can you ever be too cool? No. But you can be too picky, which is what King Pen and I have become.

Sigh.

Well, I rambled enough this morning. I'm gonna go get some stuff done, and I'll write later. I seriously AM going to blog later, because I have a few things brewing around in my head that should see the light of day. Till then.

Posted by WonderGirl at 10:31 AM

June 3, 2005

Postpartum Prayer

Lord, grant me the serenity I once knew nine months ago.

Give me a blind eye to the clutter that now fills my home.
Grace me with ears that hear what is actually being said, and not what I think they meant by it.
Lend my hands strength to change the thirteen thousandth diaper, fill the juice cups at lunchtime, and still hug my husband when he walks through the door.
Give me a mouth that smiles and says good things.
Bless me with eyes in the back of my head and an extra arm.
Expand my heart to fit my world.
Grant me a clear head, with thoughts that are healthy and productive.
Give me a body that leaps with the morning sun, and the ability to greet each day cheerfully.

And when You have seen to all the imperfections of my body and soul, then bless the people around me. Grant my friends the ability to understand my weaknesses, and help me to be a friend like that, too. Give my family patience and perserverence during this temporary insanity, and remind them it's worth the effort. Shower my husband with special grace to face the unexplained tears and mood swings, and assure him that the woman he married is still in there somewhere. Fill my children with knowledge of their mother's unending love, and help them know that fun will be had again.

And if You have time after all that, I'd love to be able to get my hair done.

Amen.

****

Posted by WonderGirl at 12:29 AM